Loved to Death
by Glass.Snowflake
Summary: Love is in the air, but it is one that will break many hearts. Its my first ever fic, but will hopefully be a 5 or 6 chapter story. Wasn't sure whether K plus or T so its a T anyway. Femmeslash, non-explicit. PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Genesis

**Loved to Death**

**Disclaimer** - I do not own any of the rights to NCIS…

**Chapter 1 - Genesis**

I frequently hate myself for not remembering every scrap of information, every word, every look, every touch, every kiss. There is always regret that I didn't constantly let her know just how I felt, just how much she really meant to me. I should have told her just how it would make me feel if she ever decided to leave, but she's gone now, and I know deep inside that she's never coming back. She won't, no matter how much I want her to. She can't, no matter how much she wants to, because it was never her choice to leave.

Ziva, three weeks earlier.

It is a surprise when you realise that you love someone, contrary to the popular belief of those who have never loved that it comes on gradually. Well, I suppose that it does, but I think stealthily is a more suitable word. You don't even realise it is there until the morning you wake up and you think _what in hell would I do without this person?_ That moment, for me, was this morning, making me all the more nervous for our date tonight. I shower and change, the butterflies gradually beginning to beat their wings in my stomach as the minutes tick by. The doorbell of my apartment rings. I look up and think _this is it. I have to say how I feel._ I walk to the door, remove the chain, and pull the door open. I pause for a moment to take in the beauty of that face, the one I have dreamt about since the last time we saw each other.

"You look wonderful" I say.

"You don't," she replies. "You look stunning." A grin spreads across her face and her eyes light up like jewels.

Kate, same day.

I am standing outside the door of the apartment that she is renting while she stays here in America. I stare at the doorbell for a while, wondering if I have dreamt everything about her, and this apartment belongs to someone else. It's not that I don't love her, because I do, I really do, but that's exactly the point. Every time I arrive at this door I stop, and think _can someone like her, someone so wonderful, ever fall in love with someone like me?_ I reach out and push the button. When she opens the door and sees me, I look deep into her eyes.

"You look wonderful" she says, smiling.

"You don't," I tell her. I look at her hair, loose, and follow its natural curl. I look at her emerald green dress, one which I had to persuade her to add to her collection of army pants. I look at the gold Star of David that always hangs around her neck. "You look stunning." I return her smile, and then cross the threshold, smelling her perfume as I pass. I glance around the apartment, rejoicing in the fact that none of this is my imagination.

"Make yourself at home," she tells me, so I sit on the couch and put my purse on the floor while she disappears into the kitchen.

"There you go," she says when she returns, handing me a glass of wine, and sits down next to me holding her own glass in her hand. I take a sip, it has a very fruity taste, and then I place my glass on the coffee table. Ziva does the same, and then she takes my hand in hers, and squeezes it. Not too hard, though I know she is capable of it, just hold enough to keep my attention for what she is about to say. She takes a breath, and holds it, unsure of her words. For the second time tonight she looks into my eyes.

"Kate, there's something I need to tell you."

Ziva, same day

I reach across the gap between us, happy that it is a gap I can see rather than one I have to imagine, and hold her hand in mine. I squeeze it. Not too hard, as I would never hurt her, just hard enough to let her know that I never want to let go. I breathe in, and pause, arranging the words in my mind carefully, making sure that they come out right this time, the time that it matters.

"Kate, there's something I need to tell you." Looking into her eyes I see uncertainty. Hoping for the best, I continue. "I love you. I have since we first met in that coffee shop." I smile at the memory. "I mean, I don't expect you to feel the same way or even to like what I'm saying, but I just have to say it. I don't know what I'd do without you, Kate. I don't car what part you play in my life, well that's not true, but just say you'll always be there for me, Kate." That is one thing I love about Kate, she doesn't need words. She slides closer to me and rests her right hand on the side of my face. Her skin feels like fairies dancing over mine. She leans in towards me, and her lips feel soft and light against mine. When we pull apart she is smiling.

"I've got something I need to tell you too."

_To be continued…_

Love, like or hate? Please be nice for my first fic! Constructive criticism is ok though…


	2. SWAK

(**Disclaimer** - as before)

_Kate and Ziva share their first kiss. When they pull apart, Kate is beaming. "I've got something I need to tell you, too," she admitted…_

**Chapter 2 - SWAK**

Ziva - The most wonderful night of her life

I wait for her to say it. Could it be real? The woman I love is sitting here in front of me, about to tell me something. Although I think I know what it is, I just can't seem to shift the anticipation of something horrible, of her saying no.

Yes, I know that we kissed. It's just that I'm not sure I didn't dream it. I'm not even sure that Kate isn't one big dream, a lifetime of my hopes on a trick of my mind. If it is a dream, I think that I never want to wake up.

I nod to Kate, aware that my thoughts have caused a silence and that she was waiting for a reply before she carried on.

"Ziva," she starts. Oh god, this is it. This is the difference between my dreams and my nightmares, this one moment. This moment which the control of is out of my hands. She smiles. "I love you." It sounds as though she is hearing it for the first time herself. "I love you," she repeats, as though she is getting used to the words. There are fireworks in front of my eyes, their booms echoing in my ears, and all of them being set off in my heart. I think that it might have actually burst.

I pull her close, then rest my head on her shoulder. "I am never going to let you go," I tell her. "Don't you dare try and make me."

"There's something else," I hear. Was that the pride before you hit a wall? Was I taking things too fast, just being overjoyed at her words? I loosen my arms a little, so she can breathe a little easier - I am aware that I was squeezing her maybe a little too hard. "I would like you to become a liaison officer at NCIS. So you can stay here, not just see me when you come on vacation. It would be great!" She pauses and lowers her head. "That is, if you want to…"

"I would absolutely love to!" We embrace once more. I was completely wrong about this girl. It seems that you can be surprised, and it mostly happens when you least expect it.

Kate, the next day

I must have come down with a cold overnight. I hate being sick. It sucks. But either way, I'm not letting a measly little bug stop me from doing the job I love. I pull of the thick duvet and crawl out of bed. I shower, change, and dry my hair. I eat my breakfast, brush my teeth and leave for work. But the whole time I am thinking of nothing but Ziva.

Of course, when I get there, Tony makes some comment about my cold and starts going on about 'sake bombing'. Before I know it, we are initiating bio-attack procedures. Tony, in his foolishness, has opened an envelope containing God-knows-what. Before we get into the showers, while I am undressing, I send a text to Ziva.

_Problem at work - possible bio-attack. I don't know when it will be resolved,_

_though. Don't reply, don't worry. See you when it's over. x_

As quick as I can, I get into the showers. But time just seems to fly. We talk about what the powder might be, then we are in Autopsy, and then I am on my way to Bethesda with Tony, because of my stupid cold. It feels as though I have only blinked, but so much has happened. The whole day has gone by and I've just been caught in the middle. My whole world is just whizzing by and there's nothing I can do to slow it down, to stop it spiralling out of control.

Ziva, the same day

I don't often lie in. Normally, I am up by 5am. But today, today my alarm didn't go off. For most of the morning I simply lay beneath my covers, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Kate. I replay last night's events over and over in my mind. I can't believe that had actually happened. I don't want to let myself think that it was all a dream, but that is what's starting to happen. It's mid-morning (well, at least by my terms) before I even think about getting up. I think about Kate's request, about working with her. I think about what it would feel like, being with her every day. I think about her, about her smile and her eyes.

And as I'm thinking, my phone buzzes and the annoying _beep beep beep_ comes from the speaker. I jump, as I often do when things surprise me. My reflex action, my training. When I see the message is from Kate, I snatch the phone up to read it.

_Problem at work - possible bio-attack. I don't know when it will be resolved,_

_though. Don't reply, don't worry. See you when it's over. x_

A bio-attack? Is she okay? What's going to happen? Will she be safe? What bio bug is it? How does she know it _will_ be resolved? How does she know she'll survive? Despite her imperative not to worry, that's all I can do. My head fills with questions that won't budge, that won't leave me be. They won't let me calm down however much I trust in Kate.

Once I'm dressed, I pace up and down in the few tiny spaces that class as my apartment. You never realise the size of your home, albeit temporary, until you walk the lengths, breadths, and all other possible cross-floor routes over and over and over again. And again. And again.

Tony, the same day

Okay, I'll admit I'm scared. I'll not admit it to anyone out loud, though. Keep it a secret, won't you? If only I hadn't have opened that damned letter. If you think about it, though, what else was I supposed to do? The mail trolley comes round, just as it does every morning. We receive our letters, just as we do every morning. We find a letter addressed simply to 'NCIS Special Agent', just as we do every morning, except usually there's a name attached to the end. It's sealed with a kiss, so what am I supposed to think? _There's no way Gibbs has a relationship, is there? _I'm thinking. _And that's even less likely of McGeek. Ha! I'd have evidence if Probie had a girlfriend, because it would be a once in a lifetime occurrence. And the world would be upside down if completely-Catholic-Kate was receiving letters with SWAKs. No, it must be for me, _I thought. _It's going to be that super-hot blonde I met in the bar last week, isn't it? We didn't talk much did we? That'll be why she can't remember my name. _As I snatch the letter from McGee, saying I recognise the lips, I think _what was it, Alice? Andrea…? Amanda! No… Trish? _Anyway, I rip open the envelope, thinking I'll find out when I read it. _Ha! No, it doesn't smell of Gummy Bears, Kate. _There seems to be a little bit of dust on the top, so I blow it to get rid of it. Before I know it, I realise I've made a mistake. Time seems to go in slow motion and the white powdery particles scatter themselves around me in the air. I try not to breathe. I can barely move, for fear of inhaling the dust. All I can seem to do is look down at the previously innocent-looking package in my hands.

Kate, the same day

After various samples have been taken, we walk into the room we'll be staying in. Well, I say room. Inside the long, stark white, fluorescently lighted 'chamber' is an almost equally long glass-walled space that I think can only be described as a 'container'. I feel my face fall as I walk in. I mean, I know it's necessary, and probably ought to be expected, but I definitely wasn't expecting something so, well, white. Even for a naval hospital, this seems _too_ clinical. There's a negative pressure chamber, which we walk through into the container, where there are four individual white hospital beds lined up. I walk over to the far bed, and Tony, annoyingly, follows me. I can't say I didn't flirt with the doctor. His name was Brad Pitt, for crying out loud. And besides, it's not like I've had the chance to flirt recently, is it? But he goes, and everything starts to quieten down, and the time which previously raced past now ticks by, each second lasting an eternity. So we lie there for ages, bored. Bored as hell.

Tony, the same day

Kate's right. I am afraid. I'm about 70% certain I breathed in the powder, and no matter what anyone says… Okay, no matter what I force McGee to tell me, I don't think it was Talc. And what will happen if I get anthrax or cholera, or any of those DNA diseases Probie named? What will happen? How will I be affected? Will I be coughing up blood? Will I have to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of my life? Will I die? What will happen if I die? Will anyone miss me? Will Kate learn to miss the film references? Will McGeek… I mean McGee. Will he miss my being there to constantly annoy him and make him drink Gibbs' coffee? Okay, so I guess he wouldn't miss that. But I would. I suppose I could always haunt him. Hey, that might be fun.

But what about Gibbs? Would Gibbs miss me? Would Gibbs miss the jokes? The school-boy humour? Would he miss the cheeky grin I get when I've not been doing as I'm supposed to? Would he miss giving me headslaps? Or would he just forget? Forget and move on to the next agent. The one to fill my shoes. Would he do that? Could he do that? Should he do that?

…

By the time I ask the question, I've accepted the inevitable.

"_So tell me, doc, what have I got?"_

"_Pneumonic plague."_

"…_Plague? Hahhh, plague."_

Kate chimes in: _"Yeah, Tony, Plague. Because only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages."_

"_I didn't put plague in the letter!"_

"_You opened it!"_

"_Yeah, I opened it, what are you so upset about, it's not like you're lying…" _No, no way.

"_Yeah. That's right, Travolta, I'm infected too."_

"_Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry…"_

"_Well, you're gonna be sorrier."_

"_No, don't tell me Gibbs got it?"_

"_Oh, no, no, just us. But I am going to make your life __**hell**__."_

"_How? It can't be worse than plague… Maybe you can." _Maybe she can… I tell Emma:_ "Maybe she can."_

"_I'm warning you, DiNozzo."_

"_You know, I recall a couple of plague flicks."_

"_I'm gonna tell Emma all of your dating tricks!"_

"_Flesh and Blood comes to mind, Paul Verhoeven directed, Rutger Hauer starred…"_

"_Tony thinks speaking Italian turns women on."_

"_Obviously you never saw Jamie Lee Curtis in A Fish Called Wonda!"_

By this point, it's getting out of control. Brad breaks it up: _"Kate!"_

"_I know. You wanna start my IV."_

She starts walking back to her side of the pod. _"If I catch your cold, I'm gonna be very pissed…" _Oh my God… _"She'll be okay, right?"_

Gibbs, the same day

I'm standing here in the bowels of the Lowell Pharmaceuticals building, holding a guard by the throat and pointing my sig straight through the glass divide at the scientist on the other side. He's wearing one of those Teletubby suits like I was wearing before. If only I knew how stupid I'd looked. Stop it, Jethro, that wouldn't have saved Tony. He's panicking, the scientist. I can tell. Trying to get me to stop. _"It has a suicide chain that stops it from replicating after thirty two hours. As a security precaution… If it's over thirty two hours since the specimen was infected, all the Y. pestis is dead."_ I lower my weapon. _"However, the damage will have been done."_ He's barely finished speaking when the barrel is once more directed at his face. So Tony's going to die? It's all my fault. He'll have the same chance as someone in the Dark Ages. But how much of a chance is that? _"Dammit, what was the survival rate?" "…Fifteen percent."_ Am I hearing right? I definitely heard an 'n', didn't I? It's all my fault… I can feel my face drop. Fifteen? He's going to die, and it's all my fault.

Kate, the same day

Tony's dying. Oh my God. He's apologising to me. That's gotta mean he's dying.

"_Why are you wearing a mask?" _he asks me.

"'_Cos I have a cold."_

"_Why aren't you sick?"_

"_Because I'm stronger than you, Tony."_

"_Are not."_

"_Am too."_

I can see the muscles in his neck straining when he coughs. Oh, God, he's dying. Brad walks in and says, "Kate, you should leave, now." I step backwards. I can't take my eyes off him, in case that's the moment it happens. I can't watch, but somehow I feel I have to. He's dying. It's too painful to watch. "Oh, God," I breathe. I turn to see Ducky standing there, arms open. "You were brave to stay with him, Kate." "He's dying, Ducky."

"Ah, the hell he is," Gibbs says, rushing past.

Ziva, the same day

I've been worried all day. Worried sick. More than sick. Worried half to death. I've been on edge. Unable to operate as normal. Time became elastic, but seemed to do the opposite of what I wanted it to. I wanted it to speed up. But as they say, a watched pot is never ready. All I wanted was some form of communication from Kate. Something to say she was alright. So when I finally heard my phone go, I leapt across the room to snatch it up. "Hello?" I said, urgently. "Ziva, it's me." Hail that voice. That sweet voice. Praise it. "How… How are you?" "Don't worry about me, Ziva." But I couldn't help it. She'd been crying, I could hear it. I remember her earlier words… _possible bio-attack_. Oh my… she's not infected… "Kate, are you… are you… infected?" "No, Ziva, I'm fine. Listen, I'm going to stay here tonight." I start to interrupt, but she cuts me off. "Ziva, I said I'm fine. I'm not staying for my health. I'm staying because I feel I need to. For Tony's sake." "Tony was infected? There was a bio-attack?" "Yeah, but it's over now." "But what if you…" "Ziva! The bug had a suicide chain. I am alright and will be. Look I'll see you tomorrow, okay? First thing." "Are you sure?" "Positive, Ziva. I just called because I knew you'd be worried. Even though I told you not to. Now, I've got to go. I love you. Remember that." "I love you."

Tony, the same day

It's painful. I don't think I can stand it. _"Tony, listen to me." _Gibbs' voice floats into my head. _"You listening?" _I listen to the voice in my head. Hey, you know, maybe I could be having one of those near-death experiences. Only, a death experience. The near- really shouldn't be there. _"I… I'm lis… I'm listening, Boss" _Wait, does that mean Gibbs is God? _"You will not die. You got that?" _That's a funny thing for God to say when you're dying. I feel something tap my head and my eyes fly open. _"I said, you. Will not. Die." _I'm not dying. 'Cos Gibbs is actually here. Here for me. Giving me those headslaps I now know he'd miss. _"I got you, Boss," _I tell him. _"Good."_

_To be continued…_

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